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The following appeared in Comedy Central's electronic newsletter. "DELETE ME FIRST!"
February 20, 2001 VOLUME 135
OPPORTUNITIES FOR QUALIFIED APPLICANTS *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Plum opportunity for hungry reporter: Small daily in southwest Kentucky requires Night Editor. Should have B.A. in English, Communications, Journalism or related field, be willing to learn new skills and break news in this busy yet bucolic up-and-coming area. Also, should be able to work days. Working knowledge of Quark Express required, with eye for design. Familiarity with PhotoShop, Freehand, industrial printing presses and delivery procedures helpful. Knowledge of farming issues and livestock handling a plus. Applicant must have own van and be willing to help with circulation. Chicago Manual of Style. Are you a detail-oriented, team-playing out-of-the-box thinker who likes coffee? Talk to us!!!!! CofeeTyme, Inc., an international company distributing coffee-based beverages to several worldwide clients, is looking for a marketing director. B.A. in Marketing, Advertising or related field; excellent communications skills; some bean roasting. Should be familiar with coffee!! :) Near fluency in Spanish and familiarity with Latin America required, knowledge of customs and trafficking issues are a boost. Team player with good nose. We need an energetic, go-go-go getter to sell our product! Must thrive on caffeine...and details!! Details! Details! Consultant required for year-long privatization project in Chechnya. MBA in Finance, 8-10 years of experience in structuring banking sectors in developing countries, excellent communication skills and the utmost in discretion required. Fluency in Russian and Chechen dialects. Paramilitary or skydiving experience helpful. Must not mind occasional,sudden loud explosions. Dispute Analysis & Investigation department of a multinational foods conglomerate requires new analyst to mediate and prepare reports on internal disputes. You will be helping solve productivity and interpersonal issues as a key member of our passionate, outspoken and diverse staff. B.S. in Statistics with concentration in Psychology required, 5-10 years in management and research related fields. Familiarity with pharmaceuticals and workplace violence issues necessary. Prospective candidates should be calm communicators with a flair for human resources law and agricultural engineering. Black belt in Kung Fu, Karate or Tang Su Do required. New commercial airline seeks pilots. FAA license and 2+ years experience in the air. We need hard-working skylarks who thrive in a start-up environment and aren't afraid of long hours. Some overnight routes and holidays required. Familiarity with onboard safety demonstration techniques, food and beverage service and baggage handling preferred. Duty-free perks. Ticketing background also helpful. Come fly with us! EOE. Female singer wanted for about-to-break WORKING rock band. Christina Aguilera look, Aretha Franklin pipes. Heart, Whitney Houston, Chrissy Hynde, Cesaria Evora influences. Must be able to SIGHT READ, play keyboard, run sound tech and assemble drum kit. SOME crowd control skills necessary. Movement skills ESSENTIAL; bring your own choreography. Full time availability required; your own VAN a plus. Pay possible after six-month trial period, then one-fifth of show fees. To the audition, bring one up-tempo song and one ballad, your own mic, dancing shoes, patience, a no. 2 pencil and (IMPORTANT) an open mind!
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