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Recently some chilling and downright disturbing occurrences have taken place on various nationwide television and theatrical outlets, to an extent that can no longer be ignored or condoned.
Specifically, I am talking about babies. Increasingly, television programs, commercials, and now movies show infants gyrating, gesticulating, grimacing, leering, and behaving in other ways that are distinctly unbabylike, unnatural, and perhaps even inhuman. Presumably this effect is being achieved using the same technology that allows frogs to endorse beer and Cher to sing, move, and look half her age. In one commercial a dopey-looking child, seemingly clueless, awaits his dessert. When his mother announces the ice cream brand, he miraculously leaps out of his chair and begins an absurd moonwalk. A similar instance of trumped-up brand loyalty depicts a baby in a swing chair becoming alternately devastated and jubilant at the respective disappearance and appearance of a McDonald's sign. Yet another ad shows groups of toddlers maniacally celebrating some trivial diaper innovation. It seems that in the advertising industry, just being a cute baby doesn't cut it anymore. Another example is the Pepsi commercial in which a newborn in a hospital bassinet becomes a "lifelong Pepsi drinker" after seeing supermodels Cindy Crawford et al holding aforementioned cola while tapping at him through the maternity ward glass. Some less refined consumers, not to say adults, may indeed be swayed in their beverage choices by cooing supermodels. But our recently born friend surely has larger issues on his mind. Besides, if the bassinet occupant had looked to the supermodels for refreshment, wouldn't he have been eyeing something besides their Pepsi cans? What makes these commercials even more ludicrous is that a) babies can't actually enjoy most of these products and b) no one cares what babies prefer anyway, so they also make lousy spokescreatures. This trend has reached a fever pitch now that someone in Hollywood has decided to make one long, hellish pastiche of these images and call it a movie. Baby Geniuses is custom-made for anyone who saw that radio commercial with the leather-jacketed baby bo-hunk in shades singing "Oh, baby, that's what I like" and said, "Now that's what I want to see more of!" It's for anyone who wished the Olsen twins could stay young forever. It's for people who saw all three Look Who's Talking movies. It's for those who have no ability to draw the line at when babies stop being cute and start being creepy. It's for people who dress their dogs. It's tempting to think that all of this never would have happened if the dancing Internet baby had never seen the light of day. The 3-D animation of what seemed to be a disco baby on crack became one of 1996's most pernicious e-mail forwards. It was like an accident that you couldn't stop watching. Then Ally McBeal got hold of it (in what is perhaps the only example of physical freakishness that could top that of its star) and there was no turning back. Why stop at computer animation, though? Why limit the fun to the sadistic whims of Machiavellian effects editors who have become warped by their hours in cold, dark video suites? Why not attempt to create real children who can approximate the same stunts, by mercilessly training them in some hypercompetitive athletic training ground like Russia or Romania, or by combining the DNA of Jim Carrey and Madonna's daughter and letting science finish the job? Since the hired infants posing in these roles are sure to be ruined in the child acting world, there's no reason not to start the corrosion early. Note, by the way, that these fantastical renderings of infanthood display no evidence of rashes, dimpling, or drooling. Aside from perpetrating character assassinations on babies, the media is setting up a devastatingly unrealistic body image that no real baby could hope to approach. What's next? Lane Bryant 012? Biore Baby Strips? Revlon Starter Collections? How about Diet Tubby Custard? In some cases, babies are oddly portrayed as having special communing powers with animals, e.g. dogs. Most babies I know do not consort with dogs--in fact, they seem to fear them. Maybe these false perceptions perpetuated by the media are the reason such insulting affronts as baby monitors, highchairs, and indoor accordion fences continue to be wielded in so many American homes. We need some guidelines here. If infants on TV are eating fast food and--Lord help us--winking, shouldn't we do something about it before it's too late? Isn't anyone secretly afraid, like I am, that this is a harbinger of things to come? Steps should be taken to ensure that this technology is used in its proper sphere: to, say, improve Star Wars footage and sometimes make toothbrushes dance. But, for the love of God, I implore you: leave the babies alone. |